So you’re concerned about the impending zombie apocalypse and want to make sure you’re fully prepared to fend off hordes of brain-hungry undead? Well, fret not, my brave survivalist! In this article, we’ll take a hilarious look at the absolute essentials that should be included in your zombie survival kit. From trusty weaponry to delicious snacks, we’ve got you covered – because surviving the end of the world doesn’t mean you can’t do it with a smile on your face (and a machete in your hand)!

Food and Water

Non-perishable food items

When it comes to surviving a zombie apocalypse, a well-stocked supply of non-perishable food items is a must. You can’t exactly run to the grocery store and grab some fresh produce when the undead are roaming the streets. Be sure to pack foods that have a long shelf life, such as canned goods, granola bars, and dried fruits. Don’t forget about the importance of variety in your diet. While Twinkies might seem like the perfect apocalypse treat, it’s essential to include a balance of proteins, carbohydrates, and fats to keep your energy levels up during those daring escapes from hordes of brain-craving zombies.

Bottled water

Staying hydrated is crucial in any survival situation, and a zombie apocalypse is no exception. Make sure to pack enough bottled water to last you at least a few days. Remember, you’ll need water not only for drinking but also for cooking and hygiene purposes. If you’re feeling a bit more adventurous, consider investing in a water filtration system so you can stay hydrated even if you run out of bottled water. Just remember to avoid any water sources that might be contaminated with zombie cooties.

Water purification tablets

Just in case you can’t get your hands on enough bottled water or your fancy filtration system malfunctions, water purification tablets are the next best option. These little miracles can turn even the most stagnant puddle into a drinkable source of hydration. Just be prepared for an interesting taste if you ever have to rely on zombie-infested water as your only option. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures!

First Aid


When the undead are out for your tasty brains, it’s almost a guarantee that you’ll encounter a few scrapes, cuts, and other injuries along the way. Having a stockpile of bandages is a no-brainer. Pun intended. Make sure to include a variety of sizes to accommodate any boo-boo you may incur during your dash for survival. Plus, if you happen to come across any fellow survivors with particularly stylish injuries, you’ll be the hero equipped with the means to patch them right up.

Antibacterial ointment

Having a tube of antibacterial ointment in your survival kit is like having a pocket-sized warrior in the battle against infection. Whether it’s a small scratch from a prickly bush or a flesh wound from a close encounter with a zombie, applying some ointment can help prevent bacteria from turning your flesh home into an all-you-can-eat buffet. Plus, it’s got that fancy medicinal smell that’ll make you feel like a true survivor.


Surviving a zombie apocalypse is no walk in the park, and aches and pains are bound to be a daily occurrence. Packing a small stash of painkillers, such as ibuprofen or acetaminophen, can make all the difference when it comes to staying focused and alert. Who has time to worry about a headache when a zombie is hot on your trail? So stock up on the painkillers, because the only pain you should be feeling is the soreness from all those victory dance moves.

Medical gloves

You may have graduated from medical school with flying colors, but that doesn’t mean you should go sticking your bare hands into every wound you come across. Remember, zombie bites are a big no-no, and you don’t want to risk getting any bodily fluids on your precious fingers. Pack a box of medical gloves and keep those hands germ-free and ready for action. Plus, you’ll look like a pro when you’re performing your impromptu field surgeries.

Shelter and Clothing

Tents or tarps

Every apocalypse survivor needs a cozy place to rest their weary bones after a day of dodging the undead. A tent or tarp provides you with the much-needed shelter you’ll crave when the elements are against you. Plus, it creates a safe space where you can huddle with your fellow survivors and discuss the crucial topics of the day, like your favorite zombie-killing moves or who has the best recipe for rehydrated beef stew.

Sleeping bags

After a long day outrunning the hordes and battling the forces of evil, a good night’s sleep is essential for any survivor’s well-being. A warm and comfortable sleeping bag will be your knight in shining armor, protecting you from the cold, damp ground and ensuring you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on another day in the zombie-infested world. Just remember to check for any unwanted guests before you hit the sack. The last thing you want is a zombie snuggling up for a midnight snack.

Warm clothing

Zombies aren’t known for their fashion sense, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look fabulous while taking them on. Packing warm clothing is crucial, especially if you’re navigating through colder climates. Layers are your best friend, so be sure to pack plenty of sweaters, jackets, and cozy socks. And don’t forget about the importance of fashion-forward headwear! A stylish hat not only keeps your ears warm but also adds that extra touch of pizzazz to your survival ensemble.

Extra socks and underwear

Listen, surviving a zombie apocalypse is a messy business. Whether it’s from zombie guts splattering, muddy trails, or stepping in whatever unpleasant substances the undead leave behind, your socks and underwear are bound to take a beating. Having extra pairs on hand ensures that you can stay fresh and dry, minimizing the risk of fungal growth or other uncomfortable surprises. So, don’t forget to pack a few extra pairs of each. Trust us, your feet and unmentionables will thank you later.

To be continued…